The Secrets I kept for Fear

Yes the many secrets I kept in fear that I would be told that I was a liar as well as I was the evil one in the name of God and how I did not want to tell anyone ever, because to question the priest was to question God. So therefore I knew that I would be told yet again that the devil was in me and he had made me do it.

How does a child know who to turn to, when the Catholic Church, the priest and also the nuns are doing these horrible things to them, it has taken me years to confront my abusers and still I can not say to them yet,

YOU DID THIS TO ME.

The church for me was my safe place when I was a little child but since I was sexual abuse by a priest, I can not go to Mass or stay there. I can not even go to church for Christmas Mass, it kills me to go to church, I just cry and what the priest did to me flows back so I leave.

Does the Catholic Church really know how their abuse, of the priest and nuns have effected us in the long run?

This abuse of the Catholic Church started in 1943 to 1965 and my life as being a life of hell on earth. I have not and can not forget what I was put though by the priest and nuns.

I was working for the Grays and I was 19years old, I was taking nightmares every night and crying at night, I did not know what was wrong with me. The nightmares were about Nazareth House nuns/priest, at that time I could not get what happened to me out of my mind and what the priest had done to me, I did not want to go to Timaru because I though the priest would come again to see me, I never went out. So I broke the big plate in the water and then with the sharp edge of the plate I slashed my right wrist. When I saw all the blood I got frighten so I got a nappy and wrapped it around my arm and then run to the next door neighbors who took me to Timaru Hospital were I stayed for about 2weeks or more. The Dr. kept asking me if I was committing suicide, I was so scared about what they would do to me, so I kept saying no.

Thank god the priest did not come because I know I would have made a better job of killing myself. When I was on the operation table I could see myself being operated on, I was floating in a bright light looking down at myself. To this day I am sure that I had died away back then, if only the Dr. had left me to die I would not be doing this now.